Great News!

So much has been going on since my last blog post. I would love to fill you in on all of it but quite frankly, I don't think that's possible. I will try to give you some of the highlights instead.
Don't you just love it when everyone you see asks you what your plans are? Or what you want to do with your life? I do. I have finally found the right answers. For years I dreaded those questions, especially when I my plans had just changed or I had no idea what they were. Now, I have resolved on the perfect and continually true answers. I know you are dying to hear them, so I will share them with you. My plans are to keep praying and listening to the Spirit. If I do that, I know I will stay on the best path for my life. As for what I want to do with my life, to accomplish, I want to change the world. A lofty goal perhaps, nevertheless it is the truth. I want to change the world.
I have also been blessed to realize recently how involved the Lord is in my life. The reminders He sent me of that fact were beautiful tender mercies to me. I have the ability to make choices on my own, but He as an intricate master plan that I am a part of. How great is that?! He loves me enough to let me suffer and grow, to give me trials that I can learn and come closer to Him. Then when I think I have learned the lesson, He shows me how well He knows me, how much He has been involved in the whole process and how far I still have to go. The Lord truly is merciful.
I have had a greater appreciation recently for some of the hardships I have gone through as they have helped me to better understand others' pain. With that understanding has come an increased measure of love from the Lord for those people. Inevitably, by feeling His love for them, I am reminded of how much He loves me, and how much I love them because they truly are my brothers and sisters.
The opportunity to be a missionary is one of the greatest blessings we are given as Latter-Day Saints. We have been blessed with the responsibility to share our Father in Heaven's and Savior's love with our brothers and sisters here on this earth. That means that we get to feel His love for them and for us in abundance! We get to help them come to feel and understand that love and the gospel that accompanies it. And yet, there are so many times I hesitate to open my mouth. What a sad servant I am at times.
Which is what makes the plan so much more amazing, because that was accounted for already. The Plan of Happiness was in place before we ever came to this earth and received our mortal bodies. Before we ever failed on this earth, our loving Father put in place a plan that we might be redeemed. Our elder brother, even Jesus Christ, volunteered to carry out the Atonement. As a result, I can change. I am not stuck because at some moments I am afraid to open my mouth, or I falter and stumble over another personal hurdle. The scriptures teach us that we can be white as snow again. I know that to be the truth.
When I started this post, I had intended on sharing some political thoughts and feelings, but now, I think what I have written is much more worthwhile. I will suffice to say that I love America. I truly know that she is a blessed nation of God. We live in the promised land and have been blessed with prosperity and freedoms because of it, but we must remain righteous to keep them. It is because of our God, that we have been thus blessed, and we must remember. We must praise the Lord and give thanks, recognizing His hand in our most precious blessings of freedom, liberty and family. He still cares, we just need to show him that we do too.
Remember the great news!

The Spiral

You know those wishing wells you sometimes see in stores where you throw a penny in and it spins and spins each time around the perimeter getting closer and closer to the center. Each spin goes a little bit faster, is a little bit tighter until suddenly, there goes the penny down the hole in the center. Sometime I feel like I am that penny. I am out on the edge, just spinning around joyfully ignorant of what is coming next. Suddenly, I realize I'm not on the upper edge any longer, I'm in the middle. Well, that's alright, the middles not so bad, it's kinda fun in fact. The circles I am spinning on are going faster and we all know I love speed. Until of course, I realize that this fabulous fast spinning is taking me closer and closer to a hole. Now I am worried. Having no idea how to stop what I see coming, I spin and spin inching ever closer to that dark hole. What does it contain? How far will I fall this time? Sometimes the fall is far, sometimes something is blocking the hole and I don't actually fall in. Either way, I don't know while I'm spinning, and once I have started, there is nothing I, the penny, can do to stop it. I just have to wait to fall, hoping that I will survive this one and that someone will clean out the wishing well and I will get another chance. Is my only chance to be put back on the spinning wishing well to try to stop the spinning this go-round? Or is there something else I should be hoping for? Does the spinning ever stop? Is there anything besides the wishing well for this little penny? I don't know. Maybe someday I'll find a different ride. Until then, I suppose I will just keep spinning hoping to survive this round and that the fall will be short and cushioned.

My Favorite Catalyst

I was reflecting on my life the other day, thinking about some of the decisions I might be making. With one scenario, I thought, "That could be really hard, it could be like living in hell again. Oh well." I was excited about the challenge and how hard it would be. I have learned that it is during the hardest times, that I am growing and learning the most. During the easy times, I don't care so much or make as much effort. My state of being is constant, in homeostasis so to speak. In contrast, when things are harder, I make more of an effort, I change, I learn, then I come out on the other side much better than I was before. So, although hell is well, hell, it is the catalyst to the reaction required to result in positive change and growth. Nothing does it quite the same. Not even the proton. (Which by the way, is probably my second favorite catalyst.)

Adam-Ondi-Ahman

This past weekend I was able to travel to Missouri and Iowa for a cousin's wedding in Des Moines. While traveling, my mom and I made a few tourist stops. My favorite one was Adam-Ondi-Ahman. It was incredibly amazing and beautiful. Here are a few pictures from our visit.

Pied Piper Photography Contest

I LOVE photos. SO much. Don't always like having them taken of me, but I adore looking at them. I treasure the old photos I have of my parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents. My aunt told me about this gal, and I love her work. And who doesn't love to win free prizes right? So, I thought I would share the good news. Check it out and enter the contest!

New

Wow, definitely feeling the need for the new post. Just to clear the air. I am passionate about my beliefs whether spiritual, moral, or political, so I don't regret the last two posts, I needed to say what was said, but I feel the need for more positive energy in my blog. Here goes!
Have you ever felt like there was a moment when suddenly everything in life made sense? Life still isn't perfect of completely hunky dory, but you see truth now instead of the mess it appeared before? If not, I do so hope you find a moment like that in life. It has seriously changed mine. I think I have been working up to it for quite some time now, for say, about the past two years that have been my personal hell on earth. The thing of it is though, that now, no matter what challenges and struggles I encounter, I truly know that I can get through it. I basically figure that if I can go through those years and come out on the other side strong and alive, then I can handle anything. I can choose what my life will look like, who I will be, and how I will react to everything around me regardless of anyone or anything else.
One of my favorite New Testament stories is in Mark 5:24-34.
" 24 And Jesus went with him; and much people followed him, and thronged him.
25 And a certain woman, which had an issue of blood twelve years,
26 And had suffered many things of many physicians, and had spent all that she had, and was nothing bettered, but rather grew worse,
27 When she had heard of Jesus, came in the press behind, and touched his garment.
28 For she said, If I may touch but his clothes, I shall be whole.
29 And straightway the fountain of her blood was dried up; and she felt in her body that she was healed of that plague.
30 And Jesus, immediately knowing in himself that virtue had gone out of him, turned him about in the press, and said, Who touched my clothes?
31 And his disciples said unto him, Thou seest the multitude thronging thee, and sayest thou, Who touched me?
32 And he looked round about to see her that had done this thing.
33 But the woman fearing and trembling, knowing what was done in her, came and fell down before him, and told him all the truth.
34 And he said unto her, Daughter, thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace, and be whole of thy plague."
I always wished to have as much faith as her. And although I still have some physical ailments, many of them seem to have miraculously disappeared. In their place I have found such things as joy, peace, hope, and agency. I may not be able to control whether or not I feel sick, but I can choose how to respond and how much faith I will show. Whether it happens on this earth, or in the life to come, I know that I too can hear the words of the Savior say to me "Daughter, thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace and be whole of thy plague." Someday, because of my faith, I will be blessed with a body free and whole of this current plague. No matter what earthly challenges and hurts I may encounter, I can choose to go forward through them with faith, building it up until one day it will be great enough for the miracle. So that when the Lord asks me if I believe before he performs the miracle, rather than saying, "help thou my unbelief", I can say "Yea Lord, I know".

CPUSA

As a side note to my post earlier today, do you know what CPUSA is? Have you ever heard of it before? Me neither, at least not until recently. Its the Communist Party USA. I thought I was going to regurgitate my food when I found out about this. So much for the Red Scare, Democracy, the Constitution, FREEDOM. And yes, they have been active for all ninety years since the first Red Scare. If you don't already have enough nightmares, here's a link to their site.

Science and Technology, or Communism Commentary?

Recently, my thoughts have been turned towards the situation we Americans find our country in. It is as if I awoke one day, took of my rose colored glasses, but what I saw was still colored red. You may think I am being dramatic and that perhaps my views and beliefs are out-dated. So be it. Quite frankly, to any of you, I personally believe that you are part of what has brought us, the United States of America a country endowed by God, to the threshold of ruin.
As I have been studying and pondering the position we are in politically and socially, I have been appalled by the realization that I was indoctrinated from, well, at least Elementary school. The most apparent indoctrination happened during my high school education. Perhaps you too, learned of the Red Scare at some point during your education. If you were to guess which class I learned about it in, the top guesses would be Social Studies. A History or Government class would make the most logical sense. Unfortunately, you couldn't be more wrong. Not once was the Red Scare even mentioned in any of those classes. No, no, I learned about it in my Junior English class with Ms. Golden. Regular level English even, not Honors or AP. And Ms. Golden, an aging woman who knew much about the subject she taught, but kept her maiden name although married, and had lived a life breaking free from the social ideals of the time she was born in. Would you like to now hear about why we learned about the Red Scare in Junior English?
We were reading The Crucible, in class. Its author, Arthur Miller, had been a part of the Communist Party of the United States of America. Of course, we weren't told that at the time. What we learned was about McCarthyism, the practice of making reckless and unsubstantiated accusations of treason, disloyalty, subversion, anti-patriotism against political adversaries. I will say that much of what happened during the second Red Scare, was unconstitutional, and I therefore cannot support the means that were taken to find, prosecute, and punish those involved in communist activities. What we were taught in school however, made it seem as if it were all a bad joke, a huge mistake made by the government, that there was no reason for concern or action against these people. We didn't learn about Communism and Socialism and the horrors the people ruled by it live through. Nor did we learn about the dangers presented to our great Nation by such ideologies. Instead, we learned that there was nothing to fear in the first place. I'm sorry Ms. Golden, for I hate to disrespect my elders and those who have taught me, and I did like you at the time, but you couldn't be more wrong. And yes, I do hold you personally responsible for the current disastrous position that I find my country in. You and many others.
I hate to be frustrated with my ancestors, for I come from a very good line of people, but in this one instance, I am. Could you not have awaken, and stopped smelling the roses, to see what you were creating for me? The horrible mess and treacherous position I and my children now must fight to keep? The current culture, political, economical, and moral, is not what I ever wanted to be living in, but now, I find myself hoping that we can stave of full Communism, that we can keep the few freedoms we still have, stop the government from taking more. And then, of course, the young people of our country, my own generation, my peers, are blinded too. Does no one remember history? Has no one ever heard of Hitler? The age who should be fighting harder and more ardently than any other to keep our freedoms, to protect our rights and re-gain control of our government and the truths of our Constitution, are blinded and give it all away for the glittery word "Change". Change. Thank you Mr. President Obama for the change you will bring to our country. Perhaps it will cause my peers to see the truth of what they have chosen. Did you know that this exact situation was promised to the US by Nikita Khrushchev, Premier of the Soviet Union? And yet, the Red Scare was just a joke, a big mistake.
Another discovery that similarly disgusted me, was that of realizing the message of Brave New World by Aldous Huxley. This book we happened to read my Senior year in English. I was in a combined English 101/102 and AP class. In these, the advanced classes, aren't the students supposed to be taught how to understand the underlying themes and messages of pieces of literature? That's certainly what I thought. The thing about it is, that we really didn't learn any of that. The depth of analysis we did on Brave New World was so close to the surface it is almost comical. Almost, but not quite. Again, I have another wonderful teacher, Mr. Myers, to thank for educating me so well.
Back to the point of bringing up the bold novel. At first glance, it seems mostly to discuss the danger of new science and technology, and the use of drugs. More important than those issues however, is the drastic difference it paints between a government controlled society and one of "savages". Huxley's creation of a dystopian society not only shows us the potential dangers of allowing science and technology to be controlled by the government, but also of the loss of human nature that occurs when the government gains complete control of society. The World State is seen as providing happiness through stability. The belief of one of its ten controllers is that the social stability providing the happiness, indeed does sacrifice truth, but, is the greater good of the two. Truth sacrificed for a meaningless happiness. And only a sense of happiness since most of it comes from a wide and government supported use of a hallucinogenic drug called soma. Another large contributor to the sense of happiness is the lack of morals. Monogamy and families are abhorrent ideas in the World State. Abortions are common, but are controlled by the fact that even becoming pregnant is such a terrible idea that contraceptives are used consistently by all females able to get pregnant. (Which I should note, are only those of the upper two classes of society).
The societal classes of the novel are created by the government, with no option for moving up or down. Each embryo is conditioned physically and mentally for an exclusive social class. No matter whether in truth they were a bit inferior as Bernard Marx is, or a bit superior, as Helmholtz Watson is, each person is stuck with what they have been conditioned for. This conditioning is leads to the ruination of Linda. Giving birth to a child is the ultimate humiliation for her, and she is not able to understand and live by the Savages ideas. Soma and death are the only escape for her. John, the Savage, not having been conditioned for anything, finds himself unable to conform to a society with no morals and no real substance. The society of the World State, is the picture of Communism. Every one has their place in life, and what they need for that life. All of society is under the close monitoring and control of the government. There is no stepping out-of-bounds allowed. You can choose to conform, or to be exiled. It is noted in the novel that human nature is lost in this society.
Another point to be noted, is that it was after a visit to the United States, and viewing our culture, that Aldous Huxley wrote brave New World. He was appalled by our culture, the gratification we allowed ourselves, and afraid of it overtaking European culture. However, at the end of his novel, when particularly stating that the direction's that John's feet swing as if a compass when he is hanging, that Huxley makes a crucial point. It is a statement that the United States will not be able to survive if it doesn't conform to socialistic and communistic society and ideals. We will swing one way and then the other, till we land in the East on socialism and communism, without ever swinging to the West.
Are you wondering yet, when this lengthy post is going to end? Soon, I promise. My point in explaining what I have learned in school about the Red Scare, and what we should have learned about Brave New World is to help shine light on the situation our country is now it. We have allowed our country to be run over and poisoned bit by bit by socialist and communists hiding in the corner. If we do not begin to fight back, we will have lost the Cold War sooner than we realize it hasn't ended yet. As Khrushcev promised, it won't be a physical battle, but i has come on for many years bit by bit. If you, dear fellow Americans do not wake up immediately to the truth of this, when you wake up tomorrow, the free US, will be a communist nation. We cannot allow this kind of tragedy to occur. It has come to far already. We must rise up to fight back. We must teach our youth, our children, even our adults what the truth is. Not the propaganda and indoctrination we have become so accustomed to, but the truth. That the United States of America, is a nation endowed by God, if we but keep our morals, values, liberties and freedoms. If we fight for our families, our rights, our religions. Our founding fathers created a Constitution to protect those rights and liberties, so long as we the people cared about them. Many of them are no longer being protected, but have been exploited. If you and I and our children have any hope for being free tomorrow, we must take a stand today. I personally, have no desire to live in that "brave new world". I claim the right to be free, to choose how, where, and what to worship, to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, to the ability to raise a family with values and principles. These rights are not given by government, but it is the duty of a government to protect them. Currently, that is not happening. Take a stand America. Wake up and see the Red that is all around us. Fight back. Don't sit smelling the roses. Remember who we are. Remember our Nation's heritage and the men and women who have died protecting it and to create it.

Reminders

Last week I had two great reminders from Above that I am not alone in this journey. Both small and simple, but so meaningful to me. The first was simply that I received an email back from the admissions director of the school I want to go to. I had been debating on what to do about school, and after trying a few different options, felt like I should at least send an email to them. I asked a few questions and wondered if it would be possible to talk to some of the students about them. I also asked about additional sources of funding besides student loans, ie. scholarships. After about a week I received the reply. It was so kind and helpful. Such a change from the typical I am used to dealing with at schools. And such a testimony to me, that when we follow the promptings of the Holy Spirit, we will be blessed. So even though I don't know if the plan is for me to end up going to school there or not, I know that I will be blessed for following whatever path I am set on.
The second happened while I was at the temple doing proxy work in the Baptistry. A woman came up to me and thanked me for the work I had just done because one of the names was her mother-in-laws. She also thanked me for her husband who was there with her. It was so sweet. A wonderful reminder that what we do in the temple means so much to so many, in addition to blessing our lives. I was so grateful for the tender mercies of the Lord, and that I was able to recognize them as such. Its great to be reminded that my Heavenly Father loves me and is watching over me.

Stand Up!

So, this post is going to be a bit political. In my opinion, Obama and his cronies are out to destroy the America. The road that has brought us to where we are now started many many years ago, but our dear President plans on capitalizing on it as much as possible. Many things that he (and his administration) has done and said, well, I just plain don't agree with. For example, the report by the Department of Homeland Security, and Janet Napalitano's affirmation and support of the information that defines Right Wing Extremism as: "Rightwing extremism in the United States can be broadly divided into those groups, movements, and adherents that are primarily hate-oriented (based on hatred of particular religious, racial or ethnic groups), and those that are mainly antigovernment, rejecting federal authority in favor of state or local authority, or rejecting government authority entirely. It may include groups and individuals that are dedicated to a single issue, such as opposition to abortion or immigration." Hmmm, I wonder how many of us fit into that definition? Basically, any person with any right wing ideals. I guess at age 22, I just became defined as an extremist. Along with my 11 year-old sister and 80 year-old veteran grandfather. The direction towards Socialism that Obama is guiding our beloved country appalls and terrifies me. I have absolutely no desire to find myself in Nazi Germany, or Communist Russia. Do we not remember the horrors we have heard from the people who lived through it? Also not to be over looked, is him kindly stating to the world that we are arrogant, and not a Christian nation. (I happen to like this man's response to those comments).
Well Mr. President, here is my response to what you are trying to do:

The Title of Liberty. "In memory of our God, our religion, and freedom, and our peace, our wives, and our children." “Whosoever will maintain this title upon the land, let them come forth in the strength of the Lord, and enter into a covenant that they will maintain their rights, and their religion, that the Lord God may bless them.” There you have it Mr. President. I stand waving my Title of Liberty, covenanting with my God, a Christian God, that I will defend my family, my rights, and my religion. No matter what you say, do, or make into law, I will stand fighting with my God. You can turn our constitution upside down and inside out, make living in this country, particularly with Christian and "right wing" ideals, values, and principles, a living hell, but I will remain standing. In the end, Judgment Day will come, and you will have to answer to the same God as I. And I plan on standing to answer and thereby proving my worthiness to enter the kingdom of God. Regardless of how horrible, awful, or hard it becomes, regardless of the atrocities you commit, I will endure and prove faithful to God. He is the one who will win this battle in the end. Nothing you can do will stop Him, or His work from progressing. Therefore, with my loyalties being declared, my response to you Mr. President Barack Obama (and followers) is, Bring It On.

Easter

I realize that after all my promises to pay more attention to my blog, I have been quite absent again. I also realize that this post, titled Easter is coming after the holiday. There is a reason for it. As I was thinking back on the holiday and how many great messages about Christ there are. My thoughts wandered to the history. Christ's life, the Jews, the Bible. To the Christian heritage that is the Jewish religion. Sadness announced itself when the horrors that have been dealt to the Jews were remembered. Particularly those of the Holocaust. That we, Christian people, could allow such atrocities to the people that we came from. It truly saddens me. Yes, they have not embraced Jesus Christ as their Savior and Redeemer, as the Messiah, but they are the people who have given us our history, our Bible. And so easily we forget and scorn. Therefore, I dedicate this post to my heritage. To those of my family who have gone before me. Had their faith tried, tested, and proved true. To those who have found their own way in life, trusted in God to lead them and protect them. Those whom I am perhaps not directly related to but who have still left me a heritage of faith to follow. Those prophets who have endured the trials, the scorn of the people, and still they followed in faith and strength. To the Jews, the Latter-day Saints, my family, and all those good people whose stories I have heard, examples I have looked up to even if I don't know them in person. To you, I give my thanks. I am strengthened by the examples and faith of you. In my own personal trials of faith, I am uplifted and find endurance in the knowledge that you have gone before and succeeded so beautifully. So thank you for not giving up, for proving yourselves true and faithful. I hope that at the end of my life, I can say that I have done the same and those that follow me, will have added my name to the list of those who have left a worthy example to follow.

Broken

At a fireside tonight by Mark Mabry, the photographer of Reflections of Christ, the story in the New Testament of the feeding of the five thousand was mentioned. As I heard the words, the thought cam to mind of all the possible parts for me to play in that story, and the lessons that could be learned. But one in particular stuck out to me because I hadn't thought of it before. It formed itself into a question. Am I willing to be the bread? Am I truly willing to sacrifice myself to Christ for whatever he might need me for? To be broken, blessed, and then shared with all who needed it? Perhaps that is what our life is truly about, learning to offer ourselves as bread. To be a sustaining power in the lives of those around us, to be used by Christ to feed his sheep. We have to offer ourselves. We have to allow Him to break us. Only after we are broken can we be shared with those who need the life-giving essence that only He can provide.

I was also reminded today of a thought I had a few years ago while watching the film Joseph Smith Prophet of the Restoration. I was struck by the faith and strength of Emma Smith. She suffered so much, and yet, continued on supporting her husband. At the time, I had the thought, "If I could go through have as much as she did with similar strength, faith, and grace, I would count myself as a good woman". I was lying in bed thinking of all that has been going on in my life and many of the things I have been struggling with, when I recalled that thought. It dawned on me that perhaps I am receiving my wish, that all of this, is the Lord giving me a chance to aspire to that elect lady. I wanted to take back what I had said before, that I didn't want to go through all of that, but what was done was done. Now, I just have to choose whether or not to rise to the occasion. To make it possible for some young girl to someday say, "If I could but be half as good as she, I would consider myself as having lived a good life."

I have heard it said many times that God loves broken things. It is a good thing He knows how to put them back together because often I feel shattered. Amazingly, as many times as I struggle and wonder why and how to get through this, if it will ever get easier, I would still stand before a tribunal today and willingly accept every challenge, every trial, every hurt, every pain, if it was what would make me into the bread that would feed the thousands. If it would make me into Fall. If it would make me into an Emma Smith. If I were told there would never be another easy moment in my life, but the rest of it would be filled with struggles and pains even greater than I could now imagine, I would choose that fate willingly if it meant I would be reconstructed into something greater than I can become by myself. So, although there is much I don't understand and often the struggles and hurdles to be overcome seem never ending, I accept them as they break me to be blessed and then spread to feed His sheep that need nourishment. I accept them as they teach me a small portion of what it is to be an elect lady. I accept them because I know that my Savior is making me into something else, something better.

Stake Conference

The adult session of Stake Conference was tonight.  It was wonderful.  The main themes were trials and the Atonement.  The Spirit was wonderful and strong.  Mom gave a great talk.  I wanted to share what I wrote to my brother about the occasion (or part of it).
I am so grateful for my trials. Grateful that the Lords loves me and trusts me enough to give them to me, and let me get through them. That I am able to learn lessons and grow. If He gives me something I look at and think may be too hard, but it doesn't get taken away, then it means I can do it. I don't have to do it alone. He is there, he understands, and he can lighten my burden. I know that things are hard, but so long as they are teaching me and bringing me closer to my Saviour and what He wishes for me to become, then I accept them with a glad heart knowing it will be rough at times, but so worth it. And remember, that every loss will be compensated to those who are faithful (Elder Wirthlin). Oh, how I love this gospel. It is true. It brings joy and peace. There is strength and comfort to be found during our trials, those hard blessings. I thank the Lord for what he is teaching me, and who that is making me.
I hope that each of you, no matter what you may be going through in your life, will be able to find joy and gratitude for it. Even, the hard things. Especially the hard things.

Grey Epiphany

I was lying in bed the other night imagining having a new bedroom with white walls and someone had asked me what colour I was going to paint them.  My immediate response was purple.  The lighter than lavender colour that is my current room.  I was going through my reasons for that choice, and one of the things I like about it, is that often it almost seems grey.  I followed that path of thought to dissecting the colour grey.  As I did this, I realized grey is the most amazing colour.  It is anything and everything and nothing all at the same time.  Grey can convey light, calm, and welcome feelings.  Or it can convey dark, harsh, and depressing ones.  It is a beautiful mixture of all colour and a complete lack of colour that can make something so multifaceted.  Grey can do anything.  It encompasses everything, and yet is nothing.  It has within its power to convey, enhance, or diminish any feeling, emotion, message or energy.  I am a very colour oriented person, and connect to them more than most people do.  I love the messages they can send, the ideas and emotions they each represent, and the energies they have.  Thus the colour grey astounds me.  All colour, all light.  No colour, no light.  Which direction is it coming from?  The darkness towards the light, or the light into the darkness?  Is it more a lack of, or more a tainting?  Is it more white and therefore light and colour, or is it more black and have no colour and light?  Does it have any colour?  What a mind-boggling dilemma, and a powerful colour.  Grey can stand alone, or be used in combination with any other colour.  It can express the ideas that come with each of the other colours without being that colour.  It is the great chameleon. It has found a way to exist and be all, without being anything.  It may now be at the top of my colour list (although it is technically considered a neutral, unlike browns which are not).  Grey has an infinite number of uses and abilities, all based on this state of being an existent non-existent.  I still love the tints of purple that I loved before my discovery of grey.  The implications, benefits, and beauty of those colours (and all colours for that matter and not just purples) still exists.  Only now, it seems to be overshadowed by the mysterious magic of the colour Grey.

Apology

I have been so neglectful of my blog.  There are many reasons I could attribute that too, but as I am not a fan of excuses, I won't.  I do want to make it known however, that it has not been due to a lack of lessons or insights.  There have been many challenges, blessings, lessons, and growth since my last post.  I just never transferred them to the blog.  I am sad mainly for myself of missing the opportunity to share them with you as I know that it is unlikely that I will go back and post them all now.  But I am also sad that I haven't had more of an interaction with you, and you have missed out on hearing so much.  I pledge to do better in the future.  Not perfect mind you, but better.  And so long as I am improving, I think it is safe to say I am on the right path.

One

I had turned on the television tonight as I was folding laundry and waiting for Jared to get home. I was astonished to see this add play. As I continued to watch and listen to Norma McCorvey (Jane Roe), my heart tore. Knowing that she was the one who advocated and fought to have abortion legalized. To listen to her admit to never having one. She is now fighting against abortion, but can she ever undo all the harm one decision made? Millions of children have been subject to this brutal and murderous action, spawning from her choice to fight for an abortion because of an unplanned pregnancy. That little girl, was put up for adoption after birth. Following her conversion to Christianity, Norma came to see how wrong she had been. In her book, Won by Love, she wrote,
"I was sitting in O.R.'s offices when I noticed a fetal development poster. The progression was so obvious, the eyes were so sweet. It hurt my heart, just looking at them. I ran outside and finally, it dawned on me. "Norma," I said to myself, "They're right." I had worked with pregnant women for years. I had been through three pregnancies and deliveries myself. I should have known. Yet something in that poster made me lose my breath. I kept seeing the picture of that tiny, 10-week-old embryo, and I said to myself, that's a baby! It's as if blinders just fell off my eyes and I suddenly understood the truth--that's a baby!"
I felt crushed under the truth of this realization. I had to face up to the awful reality. Abortion wasn't about "products of conception." It wasn't about "missed periods." It was about children being killed in their mother's wombs. All those years I was wrong. Signing that affidavit, I was wrong. Working in an abortion clinic, I was wrong. No more of this first trimester, second trimester, third trimester stuff. Abortion–at any point–was wrong. It was so clear. Painfully clear."
I am very grateful that she has come to understand the sacredness of life, that abortion at any stage is wrong. How I wish however, that Lucifer were not quite so cunning. It seems to be a special tool of his to be able to confuse our minds, particularly when we are young, with new ideas. I have always believed that one person can make a difference, one choice. Here is a prime example of how drastic the ripples can be, how far reaching they are. She wanted a legal abortion, and now, millions of babies have not had the chance to take a breath of air. Now we have to fight to stop more legal measures being made on abortions side. One person, one choice, has changed millions. Her story gives much more power to the quantity of one.
It makes me hope that I will not be one to hide in the shadows. Instead, I will be one to make a choice, to make a difference. That I will minimize my negative one choices and maximize the positive. Although one choice that we make may not have such visible consequences as that of Roe v. Wade, each and every choice has them, and they are much farther reaching than we typically expect. I think we all need to remember and respect the difference one choice, one person, can make.