Broken

At a fireside tonight by Mark Mabry, the photographer of Reflections of Christ, the story in the New Testament of the feeding of the five thousand was mentioned. As I heard the words, the thought cam to mind of all the possible parts for me to play in that story, and the lessons that could be learned. But one in particular stuck out to me because I hadn't thought of it before. It formed itself into a question. Am I willing to be the bread? Am I truly willing to sacrifice myself to Christ for whatever he might need me for? To be broken, blessed, and then shared with all who needed it? Perhaps that is what our life is truly about, learning to offer ourselves as bread. To be a sustaining power in the lives of those around us, to be used by Christ to feed his sheep. We have to offer ourselves. We have to allow Him to break us. Only after we are broken can we be shared with those who need the life-giving essence that only He can provide.

I was also reminded today of a thought I had a few years ago while watching the film Joseph Smith Prophet of the Restoration. I was struck by the faith and strength of Emma Smith. She suffered so much, and yet, continued on supporting her husband. At the time, I had the thought, "If I could go through have as much as she did with similar strength, faith, and grace, I would count myself as a good woman". I was lying in bed thinking of all that has been going on in my life and many of the things I have been struggling with, when I recalled that thought. It dawned on me that perhaps I am receiving my wish, that all of this, is the Lord giving me a chance to aspire to that elect lady. I wanted to take back what I had said before, that I didn't want to go through all of that, but what was done was done. Now, I just have to choose whether or not to rise to the occasion. To make it possible for some young girl to someday say, "If I could but be half as good as she, I would consider myself as having lived a good life."

I have heard it said many times that God loves broken things. It is a good thing He knows how to put them back together because often I feel shattered. Amazingly, as many times as I struggle and wonder why and how to get through this, if it will ever get easier, I would still stand before a tribunal today and willingly accept every challenge, every trial, every hurt, every pain, if it was what would make me into the bread that would feed the thousands. If it would make me into Fall. If it would make me into an Emma Smith. If I were told there would never be another easy moment in my life, but the rest of it would be filled with struggles and pains even greater than I could now imagine, I would choose that fate willingly if it meant I would be reconstructed into something greater than I can become by myself. So, although there is much I don't understand and often the struggles and hurdles to be overcome seem never ending, I accept them as they break me to be blessed and then spread to feed His sheep that need nourishment. I accept them as they teach me a small portion of what it is to be an elect lady. I accept them because I know that my Savior is making me into something else, something better.