Dread

One of the things I dread in life is having someone ask my opinion on something when I know they don't really want the answer nor is it likely to make a difference. What I like even less is when my opinion is based on feeling and of course after telling them what I think, the questioner then wants me to back it up. A logical argument for said feelings and opinions. I am not unable to give a good argument, to pull "proof" out of nowhere to back me up. Granted I usually do this while playing devils advocate, but that does not negate my abilities. What I do however refuse to do is be made to feel inconsequential simply because you cannot understand the basis of my feelings. Perhaps it is my fault that I cannot put in terms understandable and acceptable to you what exactly my feelings are based on, but I do not believe I should be discounted for that. It is not my fault that you have less of an affinity for feelings than I. Nor does it make me and my opinions less than you. I particularly dislike that it is a direct result of the questioner lying that I find my self being challenged to validate my feelings based on logic and proof. If you would have just accepted the truth when I said I didn't believe you would really want to know, we would not have a problem. You would continue living in your fantasy land, as you will do regardless, but I would not be frustrated by your invalidation of my feelings. Perhaps I should just learn to keep my mouth shut even when you say you want the truth. But then I would probably have issues about not saying anything at all and letting you live in lies.

Can't Sleep

As my title clearly states, I cannot sleep tonight. I am in quite a lot of pain despite the medications I am taking. Thus, this post is quite liable to make little sense. As of yet I have no clear purpose of writing except to pass a few moments time. What should I share? I suppose I should be quite glad I don't have very dark secrets that are often spilled at times such as this. A few embarrassing stories, but only a very few. I can say that after this procedure I have absolutely no desire to ever have a cesarean section unless absolutely necessary in an emergency situation. I am quite grateful for the pain medications I was given, particularly in the hospital, but I do dislike how they jumble my thoughts and memories. I think I have asked my mom the same questions at least three times because I cannot remember. It all seems so hazy as if it were a far away dream and I am incapable of separating reality from this dream. At least I slept then. And now, I bid you adieu for this is all the energy I can spare to writing and trying to make sense of the nonsense cavorting in my head.

Conclusion

Dear Friends and Readers, It has been a very long while since I last wrote. I offer no excuses or explanations. Nor can I promise I will be writing more frequently. I very well may not be. It's not that I don't enjoy writing, but so often things seem too muddy and confused in my life for me to sort through everything and write anything coherent or meaningful. As relating to the title of this post, I have little to say. It does not refer to any great awakenings in my life, or lessons I have learned. Quite the contrary. It means only that the hiatus I had taken from posting is now over. I would be happy to announce other grand conclusions in my life, but sadly I have none. I am no longer feel blind from the storm raging around me. Rather, I seem to be in the eye of the storm. Safe for the moment but for how long. And how safe am I really? I hardly know the things swirling around me so quickly. At any moment, I could become swept away with them. Would it lead to my destruction, or would I miraculously be set free? Or, will I be trapped here forever? Is there no way to set myself free? No one to save me and show me how? Who knows, perhaps I am still very blind and imagining the rest. Well friends, until next time. Let me leave you with this challenge; be true. With regards, ~C

Great News!

So much has been going on since my last blog post. I would love to fill you in on all of it but quite frankly, I don't think that's possible. I will try to give you some of the highlights instead.
Don't you just love it when everyone you see asks you what your plans are? Or what you want to do with your life? I do. I have finally found the right answers. For years I dreaded those questions, especially when I my plans had just changed or I had no idea what they were. Now, I have resolved on the perfect and continually true answers. I know you are dying to hear them, so I will share them with you. My plans are to keep praying and listening to the Spirit. If I do that, I know I will stay on the best path for my life. As for what I want to do with my life, to accomplish, I want to change the world. A lofty goal perhaps, nevertheless it is the truth. I want to change the world.
I have also been blessed to realize recently how involved the Lord is in my life. The reminders He sent me of that fact were beautiful tender mercies to me. I have the ability to make choices on my own, but He as an intricate master plan that I am a part of. How great is that?! He loves me enough to let me suffer and grow, to give me trials that I can learn and come closer to Him. Then when I think I have learned the lesson, He shows me how well He knows me, how much He has been involved in the whole process and how far I still have to go. The Lord truly is merciful.
I have had a greater appreciation recently for some of the hardships I have gone through as they have helped me to better understand others' pain. With that understanding has come an increased measure of love from the Lord for those people. Inevitably, by feeling His love for them, I am reminded of how much He loves me, and how much I love them because they truly are my brothers and sisters.
The opportunity to be a missionary is one of the greatest blessings we are given as Latter-Day Saints. We have been blessed with the responsibility to share our Father in Heaven's and Savior's love with our brothers and sisters here on this earth. That means that we get to feel His love for them and for us in abundance! We get to help them come to feel and understand that love and the gospel that accompanies it. And yet, there are so many times I hesitate to open my mouth. What a sad servant I am at times.
Which is what makes the plan so much more amazing, because that was accounted for already. The Plan of Happiness was in place before we ever came to this earth and received our mortal bodies. Before we ever failed on this earth, our loving Father put in place a plan that we might be redeemed. Our elder brother, even Jesus Christ, volunteered to carry out the Atonement. As a result, I can change. I am not stuck because at some moments I am afraid to open my mouth, or I falter and stumble over another personal hurdle. The scriptures teach us that we can be white as snow again. I know that to be the truth.
When I started this post, I had intended on sharing some political thoughts and feelings, but now, I think what I have written is much more worthwhile. I will suffice to say that I love America. I truly know that she is a blessed nation of God. We live in the promised land and have been blessed with prosperity and freedoms because of it, but we must remain righteous to keep them. It is because of our God, that we have been thus blessed, and we must remember. We must praise the Lord and give thanks, recognizing His hand in our most precious blessings of freedom, liberty and family. He still cares, we just need to show him that we do too.
Remember the great news!

The Spiral

You know those wishing wells you sometimes see in stores where you throw a penny in and it spins and spins each time around the perimeter getting closer and closer to the center. Each spin goes a little bit faster, is a little bit tighter until suddenly, there goes the penny down the hole in the center. Sometime I feel like I am that penny. I am out on the edge, just spinning around joyfully ignorant of what is coming next. Suddenly, I realize I'm not on the upper edge any longer, I'm in the middle. Well, that's alright, the middles not so bad, it's kinda fun in fact. The circles I am spinning on are going faster and we all know I love speed. Until of course, I realize that this fabulous fast spinning is taking me closer and closer to a hole. Now I am worried. Having no idea how to stop what I see coming, I spin and spin inching ever closer to that dark hole. What does it contain? How far will I fall this time? Sometimes the fall is far, sometimes something is blocking the hole and I don't actually fall in. Either way, I don't know while I'm spinning, and once I have started, there is nothing I, the penny, can do to stop it. I just have to wait to fall, hoping that I will survive this one and that someone will clean out the wishing well and I will get another chance. Is my only chance to be put back on the spinning wishing well to try to stop the spinning this go-round? Or is there something else I should be hoping for? Does the spinning ever stop? Is there anything besides the wishing well for this little penny? I don't know. Maybe someday I'll find a different ride. Until then, I suppose I will just keep spinning hoping to survive this round and that the fall will be short and cushioned.

My Favorite Catalyst

I was reflecting on my life the other day, thinking about some of the decisions I might be making. With one scenario, I thought, "That could be really hard, it could be like living in hell again. Oh well." I was excited about the challenge and how hard it would be. I have learned that it is during the hardest times, that I am growing and learning the most. During the easy times, I don't care so much or make as much effort. My state of being is constant, in homeostasis so to speak. In contrast, when things are harder, I make more of an effort, I change, I learn, then I come out on the other side much better than I was before. So, although hell is well, hell, it is the catalyst to the reaction required to result in positive change and growth. Nothing does it quite the same. Not even the proton. (Which by the way, is probably my second favorite catalyst.)

Adam-Ondi-Ahman

This past weekend I was able to travel to Missouri and Iowa for a cousin's wedding in Des Moines. While traveling, my mom and I made a few tourist stops. My favorite one was Adam-Ondi-Ahman. It was incredibly amazing and beautiful. Here are a few pictures from our visit.