What's in a name?

I have been thinking a lot recently about the importance of names. It's something I have pondered before, but am revisiting after a Relief Society lesson about the Sacrament. I have been reminded recently of how much my names mean and the large responsibility I have to present them well. When I am at home in Arizona, there are so many people who instantly love and respect me because of my last name. They know the type of people my family is and give me the same attributes. It seems hard to do damage to my families name there because it is so well regarded. I realized that one of the difficulties I have felt being away at school is the lack of recognition of my name. Most people have no idea what it means to be a Heywood or what kind of people they are. I have to build my own name here. I have been wondering how good of a job am I doing? I can think of many instances where I have not lived up to my names and it pains me. The attributes attached to me and my name affect not only me, but so many other people. It is not only my family either. As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I have taken the name of Jesus Christ upon myself. I represent Him now. It pains me to know that I have not always done a stellar job. Gratefully, I am reminded of the power and purpose of the Atonement and know that I can be forgiven and can repent. As I have been thinking about my life and realized the importance of my names and my gratitude for such good ones, I have been saddened to realize that upon marriage, I will no longer be recognized by the name Heywood. It will still be one of my names, but not the one I give for recognition. I am sad to realize I will not carry that name forever or give it to my children for recognition. My only hope is to be able to find a man whos name I can respect and be proud to be known by. If I can find a man with a name respected and revered as mine is, then my children will hopefully someday come to a similar realization and appreciation, and I will not feel like I have lost something so great, but rather gained something new and wonderful.

Remember you are not kidding

When you bear your testimony, you are not kidding, remember you are not kidding. You have a confidence about you. You exude love to those around you. People recognize the differences in you. That's what makes our missionaries different.

Dear Blog,

I've been thinking about you. Obviously I haven't written until now. I do apologize, but you are not forgotten. Until next time. Me

Serious Frustration

This has now happened to me twice. I am reading a friends blog and decide to comment. I type a nice response, either witty or detailed and click the post comment button. Next thing I know, my comment is gone. It has simply disappeared into the vast darkness of the universe. No longer there to be read by others, or give me a sense of accomplishment. Just gone. I can't tell you how frustrating this is to me at this moment. I think about re-writing my post and then realize that I could, but it would take the time all over again and not be as good. I then decide not to re-post and am left with an empty feeling. I had such good thoughts to share and my friends will never see them because of the quirks of technology. Terribly frustrating!

Dread

One of the things I dread in life is having someone ask my opinion on something when I know they don't really want the answer nor is it likely to make a difference. What I like even less is when my opinion is based on feeling and of course after telling them what I think, the questioner then wants me to back it up. A logical argument for said feelings and opinions. I am not unable to give a good argument, to pull "proof" out of nowhere to back me up. Granted I usually do this while playing devils advocate, but that does not negate my abilities. What I do however refuse to do is be made to feel inconsequential simply because you cannot understand the basis of my feelings. Perhaps it is my fault that I cannot put in terms understandable and acceptable to you what exactly my feelings are based on, but I do not believe I should be discounted for that. It is not my fault that you have less of an affinity for feelings than I. Nor does it make me and my opinions less than you. I particularly dislike that it is a direct result of the questioner lying that I find my self being challenged to validate my feelings based on logic and proof. If you would have just accepted the truth when I said I didn't believe you would really want to know, we would not have a problem. You would continue living in your fantasy land, as you will do regardless, but I would not be frustrated by your invalidation of my feelings. Perhaps I should just learn to keep my mouth shut even when you say you want the truth. But then I would probably have issues about not saying anything at all and letting you live in lies.

Can't Sleep

As my title clearly states, I cannot sleep tonight. I am in quite a lot of pain despite the medications I am taking. Thus, this post is quite liable to make little sense. As of yet I have no clear purpose of writing except to pass a few moments time. What should I share? I suppose I should be quite glad I don't have very dark secrets that are often spilled at times such as this. A few embarrassing stories, but only a very few. I can say that after this procedure I have absolutely no desire to ever have a cesarean section unless absolutely necessary in an emergency situation. I am quite grateful for the pain medications I was given, particularly in the hospital, but I do dislike how they jumble my thoughts and memories. I think I have asked my mom the same questions at least three times because I cannot remember. It all seems so hazy as if it were a far away dream and I am incapable of separating reality from this dream. At least I slept then. And now, I bid you adieu for this is all the energy I can spare to writing and trying to make sense of the nonsense cavorting in my head.

Conclusion

Dear Friends and Readers, It has been a very long while since I last wrote. I offer no excuses or explanations. Nor can I promise I will be writing more frequently. I very well may not be. It's not that I don't enjoy writing, but so often things seem too muddy and confused in my life for me to sort through everything and write anything coherent or meaningful. As relating to the title of this post, I have little to say. It does not refer to any great awakenings in my life, or lessons I have learned. Quite the contrary. It means only that the hiatus I had taken from posting is now over. I would be happy to announce other grand conclusions in my life, but sadly I have none. I am no longer feel blind from the storm raging around me. Rather, I seem to be in the eye of the storm. Safe for the moment but for how long. And how safe am I really? I hardly know the things swirling around me so quickly. At any moment, I could become swept away with them. Would it lead to my destruction, or would I miraculously be set free? Or, will I be trapped here forever? Is there no way to set myself free? No one to save me and show me how? Who knows, perhaps I am still very blind and imagining the rest. Well friends, until next time. Let me leave you with this challenge; be true. With regards, ~C