One

I had turned on the television tonight as I was folding laundry and waiting for Jared to get home. I was astonished to see this add play. As I continued to watch and listen to Norma McCorvey (Jane Roe), my heart tore. Knowing that she was the one who advocated and fought to have abortion legalized. To listen to her admit to never having one. She is now fighting against abortion, but can she ever undo all the harm one decision made? Millions of children have been subject to this brutal and murderous action, spawning from her choice to fight for an abortion because of an unplanned pregnancy. That little girl, was put up for adoption after birth. Following her conversion to Christianity, Norma came to see how wrong she had been. In her book, Won by Love, she wrote,
"I was sitting in O.R.'s offices when I noticed a fetal development poster. The progression was so obvious, the eyes were so sweet. It hurt my heart, just looking at them. I ran outside and finally, it dawned on me. "Norma," I said to myself, "They're right." I had worked with pregnant women for years. I had been through three pregnancies and deliveries myself. I should have known. Yet something in that poster made me lose my breath. I kept seeing the picture of that tiny, 10-week-old embryo, and I said to myself, that's a baby! It's as if blinders just fell off my eyes and I suddenly understood the truth--that's a baby!"
I felt crushed under the truth of this realization. I had to face up to the awful reality. Abortion wasn't about "products of conception." It wasn't about "missed periods." It was about children being killed in their mother's wombs. All those years I was wrong. Signing that affidavit, I was wrong. Working in an abortion clinic, I was wrong. No more of this first trimester, second trimester, third trimester stuff. Abortion–at any point–was wrong. It was so clear. Painfully clear."
I am very grateful that she has come to understand the sacredness of life, that abortion at any stage is wrong. How I wish however, that Lucifer were not quite so cunning. It seems to be a special tool of his to be able to confuse our minds, particularly when we are young, with new ideas. I have always believed that one person can make a difference, one choice. Here is a prime example of how drastic the ripples can be, how far reaching they are. She wanted a legal abortion, and now, millions of babies have not had the chance to take a breath of air. Now we have to fight to stop more legal measures being made on abortions side. One person, one choice, has changed millions. Her story gives much more power to the quantity of one.
It makes me hope that I will not be one to hide in the shadows. Instead, I will be one to make a choice, to make a difference. That I will minimize my negative one choices and maximize the positive. Although one choice that we make may not have such visible consequences as that of Roe v. Wade, each and every choice has them, and they are much farther reaching than we typically expect. I think we all need to remember and respect the difference one choice, one person, can make.

Perfection: Progress Process

These past few months, I have been working on understanding where I am in life, and in many ways, reconciling myself to it.  I have always been quite the perfectionist, and I am talking intense perfectionism here.  From an early age, I have loved to be in control and have these organized and done just right.  I would teach my brother Joseph what I learned in school and make him do things the right way.  Family Home Evening was very similar, with me in charge and telling my parents and brother how things were.  If you have ever seen Land Before Time, I was Cera.  Exactly.  I knew everything and was always right.  Perfection was my goal, and everyone should know that I attained it.  I knew that I was not perfect, I didn't like it, but could usually accept it.  However, it was a completely different story if someone else knew I wasn't perfect.  Somewhere, deep inside of me, was a deeply rooted belief that although wrong, still affected much of what I did and how.  I believed that if others knew I was not perfect, they would not love and accept me because I would not be good enough.

Thus, although a necessity, moving home due to my health, was very difficult for me.  It seemed to magnify all of my imperfections and in a way that I could not hide from others.  I have learned many lessons as a result of my struggles with health.  One that has simplified my life in many respects, is that I am not perfect right now and it is okay.  I have learned to be grateful for my imperfections because without them, I would not be able to use the Atonement properly.  It is a direct result of my weaknesses, that I am able to fall on my knees to be lifted up through the greatest gift we, as mankind, have ever received.

As I have struggled and pondered with the concept of perfection, I have had a few thoughts I would like to share.  The basis of them, is that perfection is not a static state.  It is not something we achieve and then are done with.  It is a progress.  It must be.  We are told in the scriptures "Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect." (Matt 5:48).  In the hymn, If You Could Hie to Kolob, we are taught that "Improvement and progression have one eternal round."  So first, we learn that God is perfect.  Also, that we must learn to become perfect like He is.  Then, we are taught that progression never ends.  It continues on and on for all of eternity.  That, to me, suggests that although God is perfect, he must continue to progress to retain that status.  Therefore, it is not a level I must reach, but a state of being.  If that is true, then although I may never reach a point where I make no mistakes and commit no sins in this life, I can continue to progress.  I can come to know and understand what it means to be in a state of continuous progression which will be continued until I have no more imperfections, sins, or weaknesses, and for the rest of eternity. The Prophet Joseph Smith said this, "When you climb up a ladder, you must begin at the bottom, and ascend step by step, until you arrive at the top; and so it is with the principles of the gospel - you must begin with the first, and go on until you learn all the principles of exaltation.  But it will be a great while after you have passed through the veil before you will have learned them.  It is not all to be comprehended in this world; it will be a great work to learn our salvation and exaltation even beyond the grave." (HC 6:306-7).  

I will not achieve perfection in this life, so I can stop living that charade.  It is a wonderful gift that I have weaknesses and sins, that I may access the saving power of the Atonement.  Through that process, my Heavenly Father is able to show me just how much He truly does love me.  It is also the process through which I am made the most beautiful version of myself possible.  And although I may never reach perfection in this life, I can attain the state of being that leads to it, a state of continual improvement and progression.

Catch-up

It has been quite awhile since I have written a new post. The main reason is that I was playing mom to my younger brother and sisters for the past two or so weeks. And dad. And boss. And still being big sister and trying to get my own things done. Let me tell you, it was quite the experience. I am sure I made many mistakes and there is a long list of things that I didn't get done. However, I have learned a few lessons. Some of them may or may not apply to you in your life, but I would like to share some of them anyway.

Lesson Number One:
When my parents left, I knew that they were entrusting the care of their children in my hands. They trusted me enough to let me watch over the welfare of something so beloved. What an amazing responsibility. I have no children of my own as of yet, but in taking care of my parents children completely while they were in another country, I felt a small part of the love and trust Heavenly Father must feel for us. He is willing and desires to entrust us with the care and upbringing of his children. He knows that we will make mistakes, as my parents did, however, He also knows how capable we are. There was also a large increase in my love and concern for my siblings when my parents left. I could feel more of my parents love for us, especially for them, than I ever had before. Imagine how much larger and whole that love is which Heavenly Father has for each us. As hard and stressful as being a parent can be at times, I cannot think of many things which are such a beautiful responsibility and blessing. How amazing it is to me that we are loved and trusted enough to take care of God's children. (I also believe this applies to missionary work as well).

Lesson Number Two:
As one of my brothers or sisters would ask permission to do something, or as I needed help with something and was trying to decide who best to ask, I realized how hard that can be at times. Each circumstance is different. To answer the question regarding plans and permission, you are trying to make a decision based upon what has happened in the past, what is current, and what will happen. What will be best for this child at this time? It can be hard to decipher all of the information and use it to help you make that best decision. When they do something wrong, you also have to decide how serious of an infraction it was for them, and what, if any punishment should be given. Wow, talk about hard. It is even more amazing to me than ever before that God is a merciful and just judge. He is able to read all the facts, to know our hearts, and make not only just a fair judgment, but also merciful. For me, it will be easier to be a parent and make some of those permission and punishment calls if there are some straight rules. That although each circumstance is different, there are still rules that every one understands must be followed, or the specific consequence will follow. For example, there is no TV or friends until after your homework is done and your room is clean. In regards to what each child is expected to do around the house, perhaps something like this might work. Each week, every one has a specific chore that they must do. In addition, each night, they take ten minutes before bed to sweep through the house and put anything or theirs that is out, away. Then on Saturday, there is a known amount of time that after the weekly chores are done, they must help with another project or chore. Trying to make the decisions mentioned above without set guidelines, gives me a much greater appreciation for the commandments and prophets counsel.

Lesson Number Three:
It never stops. There is always something in the inbox. No matter how much you get done one day, there will still be more that can be done tomorrow. And true though that may be, it is also not worth stressing about. It will always be there and will keep coming. Yes, try to do all that you can, but don't over-do it. You and your family will be happier if you are willing to relax. Do what you can, but don't be so zealous about doing it all, that you create an atmosphere of anxious stress and tension. There are of course things that must be done today, and I am in no way encouraging procrastination, there is a balcance. Just remember that it will be there tomorrow. There will always be something. Don't worry over what needs to be done to a point where you are not enjoying life and time with your family. You will never get everything done, and it is OKAY. If you don't expect things to be perfect and get everything done now, but keep working at it, you will usually surprise yourself with how much you do get done.

Lessson Number Four:
Even when a child is throwing a tantrum, don't yell. They will get over it much quicker if you don't play into their hands and don't react.

Lesson Number Five:
Schedules are helpful. Even more helpful is family prayer and scripture study.

These are just a few of the things I learned or more fully recognized during these past few weeks. I know that there is much more for me to learn and make progress in, but once again, there always is. So long as I keep going, I will get things done and probably surprise myself with it. As much as I did enjoy my time as mom and the things I have learned, I am grateful that it is not permanent yet and I do not have to start with two teenagers and one pre-teen!

Amateur

I am standing on a tight rope not facing either direction.  Just standing.  Waiting.  Balancing.  

Which way do I go?  Which way should I turn?  

I look both ways, neither seems so different.  Both appear the same.  Dark and foreign.  

All the lights are out.  I cannot see.  How do I get out?  Which way to turn?  Will I notice signs of it being the right or wrong way?  

Perhaps the best way is down.  That way I would at least know which direction I was going.  

Down.  

And when I had reached the end.  

Down.  

There must be a bottom somewhere.  Down cannot last forever.  But who knows how far it is.  

Darkness seems to be everywhere.  

How long is Down?  Will I die when it ends, broken by the hard cold end to the long journey?  

Perhaps I should choose another way besides Down.  

But wait!  A net.  What if there is a net there to catch me on my way?  Only professionals don't use a net.  Surely I am not a professional.  Am I?  

How can I know?  Only by choosing Down.

I lift a foot and take a step into the darkness.  I begin my journey Down.

Down, Down, Down.

I begin to wonder how long this journey Down will last.  Still I travel.

Down, Down, Down.

Surely I could not have been that high-up to still be going Down.  Yet, Down, Down, Down I continue.

Panic begins to race through me.  If there is no net, I must have been a professional.  The bottom, what happens when I reach the bottom?  After a fall so long, I cannot hope to survive.  Doomed I conclude.  Doomed to reach the end of this journey Down and die.

Suddenly, I realize I don't seem to be falling any longer.

I am thinking.

I must still be alive.

How is that possible, how did my journey Down end?

Where am I now?

Caught!

I have been caught by a net.  Not a professional then, i think.

Applause.  Cheering.  Crowd.

Sure they are not for me, I look around and realize Down was the only way.

Down, Down, Down.

And then I remember, it was all a part of the show.  My first step in becoming a professional.

Down. 

Ogres and the Gospel

I have been pondering today on how at times the simple or basic things seem to be the most difficult and trying. What we often refer to as the basics, have so much more behind them than the face value. Principles like faith, trust, baptism, love. It is intriguing to me that many of the starting points of our journey here in life are so similar to ogres. Meaning that they have layers, like onions. You have to start on the outside layers first, and then continue to peel of layers till finally you reach the core of the onion. Sometimes the outside layers are easy to peel off, and other times more difficult. Either way, you don't get to the real onion until you pass those first few layers. Similarly, with some of the simple principles and doctrines of the gospel. We are taught them from Primary all the way up to when we pass on. At first, they seem simple and plain. Then, as we get to un-peeling more of the layers, we see how complex and difficult they can be. We have to struggle and just keep on keeping on at times. Then other times the peeling is easy, the way, the understanding come with out too much strain. Still other layers make us cry. I don't understand the whole process or the whole plan and recipe. However, I do know that as we continue to peel layers off of the onions of the gospel, the dish we are making will become more and more flavorful, more and more delicious. Our tastes will mature and we will long for more food that require the same intensive preparation. We will long to feast on the words of the gospel. And not only will our tastes change, but we too will become more flavorful, more truly the salt of the earth.

Announcement

I want to let everyone know that the weekend of Thanksgiving is our Stake Christmas Program.  It is going to be marvelous.  I am singing in the choir and Mary will be singing in the youth/children's choir and singing a solo during the prelude music.  There are performances on both Saturday and Sunday evening (the 29th and 30th) at 7:00 pm.  If you can, the Saturday performance would be the better one to attend as there will not be quite as much as of a crowd.  Based on last year's experiences, they are expecting to not have enough room for everyone Sunday.  Also, on Sunday, Mary and I will be singing a duet in Sacrament meeting.  It was supposed to be next week, but was moved by the music director.  So, it will be a busy weekend for us.  We would love to see you at one or both events.  And if you have non-member or less active friends, the Stake Christmas Program is an excellent missionary opportunity!

Spoonful of Sugar

As I was cleaning the bathroom today, getting the house ready since tomorrow we will all be busy with Stake Youth Conference, I was letting my mind wander. It found its way to thinking about an experiment a friend and I are doing that involves Disney characters. I had asked my mom which she thought I was, and she said Mary Poppins because I want to be practically perfect in every way. I continued to think about what Mary Poppins is, her characteristics and just the movie in general. Since I was cleaning and thinking about Mary Poppins, I suppose it was somewhat inevitable that I started singing A Spoonful of Sugar. This got the wheels in my head really turning. What does the song actually mean and how can I apply a lesson from it in my life?

Well... I started with the fact that Mary Poppins starts singing it while she and the children are cleaning, something that most children highly dislike. The level of distaste for cleaning is probably about the same level as for taking medicine. What is it in life that is medicine to me? The things that I just really don't like and will only do if forced and even then it is often grudgingly. So I thought of a few. Then I remembered the spoonful of sugar part. Taking something sweet or good, something that we can enjoy, helps the medicine go down. What spoonfuls of sugar have I found to help the medicine go down? Do I focus on the medicine or the sugar? I think often we are able to taste more of the sugar when we change our attitude about the whole situation.

One example for me are the liquid supplements I have to take daily right now. Not many people like the flavor of the children's cough syrup. The best of the three I take is right on that same level. Gross. Absolutely and completely no way around it. The other two are even worse. Just the smell of them makes you cringe away from them. I had a very hard time in the beginning with the idea of taking all three of these horrible substances everyday. It felt like torture. Then I figured out that if I drank the middle level one first, it was like a primer. Take the worst next and its not too much worse than the first so I can deal with it. Then I get to be excited about how much better the last one tastes in comparison. It still would taste awful by itself, like the dreaded cough syrup, but after the first too, its like candy.

I have come to the conclusion that many things in life are hard. They are our medicine. We don't always like them, but in the end they are going to help us. The spoonful of sugar can be multiple different things. Whether it is gratitude, prayer, faith, trust, sugar, acceptance, or a host of other things, we can find the sugar in our own lives. We don't have to focus on how awful the medicine takes. As long as we taste the spoonful of sugar, it will help the medicine go down. And how much happier we will be not letting the medicine get us down every day, but being excited about the spoonful of sugar we are getting!