Broken

At a fireside tonight by Mark Mabry, the photographer of Reflections of Christ, the story in the New Testament of the feeding of the five thousand was mentioned. As I heard the words, the thought cam to mind of all the possible parts for me to play in that story, and the lessons that could be learned. But one in particular stuck out to me because I hadn't thought of it before. It formed itself into a question. Am I willing to be the bread? Am I truly willing to sacrifice myself to Christ for whatever he might need me for? To be broken, blessed, and then shared with all who needed it? Perhaps that is what our life is truly about, learning to offer ourselves as bread. To be a sustaining power in the lives of those around us, to be used by Christ to feed his sheep. We have to offer ourselves. We have to allow Him to break us. Only after we are broken can we be shared with those who need the life-giving essence that only He can provide.

I was also reminded today of a thought I had a few years ago while watching the film Joseph Smith Prophet of the Restoration. I was struck by the faith and strength of Emma Smith. She suffered so much, and yet, continued on supporting her husband. At the time, I had the thought, "If I could go through have as much as she did with similar strength, faith, and grace, I would count myself as a good woman". I was lying in bed thinking of all that has been going on in my life and many of the things I have been struggling with, when I recalled that thought. It dawned on me that perhaps I am receiving my wish, that all of this, is the Lord giving me a chance to aspire to that elect lady. I wanted to take back what I had said before, that I didn't want to go through all of that, but what was done was done. Now, I just have to choose whether or not to rise to the occasion. To make it possible for some young girl to someday say, "If I could but be half as good as she, I would consider myself as having lived a good life."

I have heard it said many times that God loves broken things. It is a good thing He knows how to put them back together because often I feel shattered. Amazingly, as many times as I struggle and wonder why and how to get through this, if it will ever get easier, I would still stand before a tribunal today and willingly accept every challenge, every trial, every hurt, every pain, if it was what would make me into the bread that would feed the thousands. If it would make me into Fall. If it would make me into an Emma Smith. If I were told there would never be another easy moment in my life, but the rest of it would be filled with struggles and pains even greater than I could now imagine, I would choose that fate willingly if it meant I would be reconstructed into something greater than I can become by myself. So, although there is much I don't understand and often the struggles and hurdles to be overcome seem never ending, I accept them as they break me to be blessed and then spread to feed His sheep that need nourishment. I accept them as they teach me a small portion of what it is to be an elect lady. I accept them because I know that my Savior is making me into something else, something better.

Stake Conference

The adult session of Stake Conference was tonight.  It was wonderful.  The main themes were trials and the Atonement.  The Spirit was wonderful and strong.  Mom gave a great talk.  I wanted to share what I wrote to my brother about the occasion (or part of it).
I am so grateful for my trials. Grateful that the Lords loves me and trusts me enough to give them to me, and let me get through them. That I am able to learn lessons and grow. If He gives me something I look at and think may be too hard, but it doesn't get taken away, then it means I can do it. I don't have to do it alone. He is there, he understands, and he can lighten my burden. I know that things are hard, but so long as they are teaching me and bringing me closer to my Saviour and what He wishes for me to become, then I accept them with a glad heart knowing it will be rough at times, but so worth it. And remember, that every loss will be compensated to those who are faithful (Elder Wirthlin). Oh, how I love this gospel. It is true. It brings joy and peace. There is strength and comfort to be found during our trials, those hard blessings. I thank the Lord for what he is teaching me, and who that is making me.
I hope that each of you, no matter what you may be going through in your life, will be able to find joy and gratitude for it. Even, the hard things. Especially the hard things.

Grey Epiphany

I was lying in bed the other night imagining having a new bedroom with white walls and someone had asked me what colour I was going to paint them.  My immediate response was purple.  The lighter than lavender colour that is my current room.  I was going through my reasons for that choice, and one of the things I like about it, is that often it almost seems grey.  I followed that path of thought to dissecting the colour grey.  As I did this, I realized grey is the most amazing colour.  It is anything and everything and nothing all at the same time.  Grey can convey light, calm, and welcome feelings.  Or it can convey dark, harsh, and depressing ones.  It is a beautiful mixture of all colour and a complete lack of colour that can make something so multifaceted.  Grey can do anything.  It encompasses everything, and yet is nothing.  It has within its power to convey, enhance, or diminish any feeling, emotion, message or energy.  I am a very colour oriented person, and connect to them more than most people do.  I love the messages they can send, the ideas and emotions they each represent, and the energies they have.  Thus the colour grey astounds me.  All colour, all light.  No colour, no light.  Which direction is it coming from?  The darkness towards the light, or the light into the darkness?  Is it more a lack of, or more a tainting?  Is it more white and therefore light and colour, or is it more black and have no colour and light?  Does it have any colour?  What a mind-boggling dilemma, and a powerful colour.  Grey can stand alone, or be used in combination with any other colour.  It can express the ideas that come with each of the other colours without being that colour.  It is the great chameleon. It has found a way to exist and be all, without being anything.  It may now be at the top of my colour list (although it is technically considered a neutral, unlike browns which are not).  Grey has an infinite number of uses and abilities, all based on this state of being an existent non-existent.  I still love the tints of purple that I loved before my discovery of grey.  The implications, benefits, and beauty of those colours (and all colours for that matter and not just purples) still exists.  Only now, it seems to be overshadowed by the mysterious magic of the colour Grey.

Apology

I have been so neglectful of my blog.  There are many reasons I could attribute that too, but as I am not a fan of excuses, I won't.  I do want to make it known however, that it has not been due to a lack of lessons or insights.  There have been many challenges, blessings, lessons, and growth since my last post.  I just never transferred them to the blog.  I am sad mainly for myself of missing the opportunity to share them with you as I know that it is unlikely that I will go back and post them all now.  But I am also sad that I haven't had more of an interaction with you, and you have missed out on hearing so much.  I pledge to do better in the future.  Not perfect mind you, but better.  And so long as I am improving, I think it is safe to say I am on the right path.

One

I had turned on the television tonight as I was folding laundry and waiting for Jared to get home. I was astonished to see this add play. As I continued to watch and listen to Norma McCorvey (Jane Roe), my heart tore. Knowing that she was the one who advocated and fought to have abortion legalized. To listen to her admit to never having one. She is now fighting against abortion, but can she ever undo all the harm one decision made? Millions of children have been subject to this brutal and murderous action, spawning from her choice to fight for an abortion because of an unplanned pregnancy. That little girl, was put up for adoption after birth. Following her conversion to Christianity, Norma came to see how wrong she had been. In her book, Won by Love, she wrote,
"I was sitting in O.R.'s offices when I noticed a fetal development poster. The progression was so obvious, the eyes were so sweet. It hurt my heart, just looking at them. I ran outside and finally, it dawned on me. "Norma," I said to myself, "They're right." I had worked with pregnant women for years. I had been through three pregnancies and deliveries myself. I should have known. Yet something in that poster made me lose my breath. I kept seeing the picture of that tiny, 10-week-old embryo, and I said to myself, that's a baby! It's as if blinders just fell off my eyes and I suddenly understood the truth--that's a baby!"
I felt crushed under the truth of this realization. I had to face up to the awful reality. Abortion wasn't about "products of conception." It wasn't about "missed periods." It was about children being killed in their mother's wombs. All those years I was wrong. Signing that affidavit, I was wrong. Working in an abortion clinic, I was wrong. No more of this first trimester, second trimester, third trimester stuff. Abortion–at any point–was wrong. It was so clear. Painfully clear."
I am very grateful that she has come to understand the sacredness of life, that abortion at any stage is wrong. How I wish however, that Lucifer were not quite so cunning. It seems to be a special tool of his to be able to confuse our minds, particularly when we are young, with new ideas. I have always believed that one person can make a difference, one choice. Here is a prime example of how drastic the ripples can be, how far reaching they are. She wanted a legal abortion, and now, millions of babies have not had the chance to take a breath of air. Now we have to fight to stop more legal measures being made on abortions side. One person, one choice, has changed millions. Her story gives much more power to the quantity of one.
It makes me hope that I will not be one to hide in the shadows. Instead, I will be one to make a choice, to make a difference. That I will minimize my negative one choices and maximize the positive. Although one choice that we make may not have such visible consequences as that of Roe v. Wade, each and every choice has them, and they are much farther reaching than we typically expect. I think we all need to remember and respect the difference one choice, one person, can make.

Perfection: Progress Process

These past few months, I have been working on understanding where I am in life, and in many ways, reconciling myself to it.  I have always been quite the perfectionist, and I am talking intense perfectionism here.  From an early age, I have loved to be in control and have these organized and done just right.  I would teach my brother Joseph what I learned in school and make him do things the right way.  Family Home Evening was very similar, with me in charge and telling my parents and brother how things were.  If you have ever seen Land Before Time, I was Cera.  Exactly.  I knew everything and was always right.  Perfection was my goal, and everyone should know that I attained it.  I knew that I was not perfect, I didn't like it, but could usually accept it.  However, it was a completely different story if someone else knew I wasn't perfect.  Somewhere, deep inside of me, was a deeply rooted belief that although wrong, still affected much of what I did and how.  I believed that if others knew I was not perfect, they would not love and accept me because I would not be good enough.

Thus, although a necessity, moving home due to my health, was very difficult for me.  It seemed to magnify all of my imperfections and in a way that I could not hide from others.  I have learned many lessons as a result of my struggles with health.  One that has simplified my life in many respects, is that I am not perfect right now and it is okay.  I have learned to be grateful for my imperfections because without them, I would not be able to use the Atonement properly.  It is a direct result of my weaknesses, that I am able to fall on my knees to be lifted up through the greatest gift we, as mankind, have ever received.

As I have struggled and pondered with the concept of perfection, I have had a few thoughts I would like to share.  The basis of them, is that perfection is not a static state.  It is not something we achieve and then are done with.  It is a progress.  It must be.  We are told in the scriptures "Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect." (Matt 5:48).  In the hymn, If You Could Hie to Kolob, we are taught that "Improvement and progression have one eternal round."  So first, we learn that God is perfect.  Also, that we must learn to become perfect like He is.  Then, we are taught that progression never ends.  It continues on and on for all of eternity.  That, to me, suggests that although God is perfect, he must continue to progress to retain that status.  Therefore, it is not a level I must reach, but a state of being.  If that is true, then although I may never reach a point where I make no mistakes and commit no sins in this life, I can continue to progress.  I can come to know and understand what it means to be in a state of continuous progression which will be continued until I have no more imperfections, sins, or weaknesses, and for the rest of eternity. The Prophet Joseph Smith said this, "When you climb up a ladder, you must begin at the bottom, and ascend step by step, until you arrive at the top; and so it is with the principles of the gospel - you must begin with the first, and go on until you learn all the principles of exaltation.  But it will be a great while after you have passed through the veil before you will have learned them.  It is not all to be comprehended in this world; it will be a great work to learn our salvation and exaltation even beyond the grave." (HC 6:306-7).  

I will not achieve perfection in this life, so I can stop living that charade.  It is a wonderful gift that I have weaknesses and sins, that I may access the saving power of the Atonement.  Through that process, my Heavenly Father is able to show me just how much He truly does love me.  It is also the process through which I am made the most beautiful version of myself possible.  And although I may never reach perfection in this life, I can attain the state of being that leads to it, a state of continual improvement and progression.

Catch-up

It has been quite awhile since I have written a new post. The main reason is that I was playing mom to my younger brother and sisters for the past two or so weeks. And dad. And boss. And still being big sister and trying to get my own things done. Let me tell you, it was quite the experience. I am sure I made many mistakes and there is a long list of things that I didn't get done. However, I have learned a few lessons. Some of them may or may not apply to you in your life, but I would like to share some of them anyway.

Lesson Number One:
When my parents left, I knew that they were entrusting the care of their children in my hands. They trusted me enough to let me watch over the welfare of something so beloved. What an amazing responsibility. I have no children of my own as of yet, but in taking care of my parents children completely while they were in another country, I felt a small part of the love and trust Heavenly Father must feel for us. He is willing and desires to entrust us with the care and upbringing of his children. He knows that we will make mistakes, as my parents did, however, He also knows how capable we are. There was also a large increase in my love and concern for my siblings when my parents left. I could feel more of my parents love for us, especially for them, than I ever had before. Imagine how much larger and whole that love is which Heavenly Father has for each us. As hard and stressful as being a parent can be at times, I cannot think of many things which are such a beautiful responsibility and blessing. How amazing it is to me that we are loved and trusted enough to take care of God's children. (I also believe this applies to missionary work as well).

Lesson Number Two:
As one of my brothers or sisters would ask permission to do something, or as I needed help with something and was trying to decide who best to ask, I realized how hard that can be at times. Each circumstance is different. To answer the question regarding plans and permission, you are trying to make a decision based upon what has happened in the past, what is current, and what will happen. What will be best for this child at this time? It can be hard to decipher all of the information and use it to help you make that best decision. When they do something wrong, you also have to decide how serious of an infraction it was for them, and what, if any punishment should be given. Wow, talk about hard. It is even more amazing to me than ever before that God is a merciful and just judge. He is able to read all the facts, to know our hearts, and make not only just a fair judgment, but also merciful. For me, it will be easier to be a parent and make some of those permission and punishment calls if there are some straight rules. That although each circumstance is different, there are still rules that every one understands must be followed, or the specific consequence will follow. For example, there is no TV or friends until after your homework is done and your room is clean. In regards to what each child is expected to do around the house, perhaps something like this might work. Each week, every one has a specific chore that they must do. In addition, each night, they take ten minutes before bed to sweep through the house and put anything or theirs that is out, away. Then on Saturday, there is a known amount of time that after the weekly chores are done, they must help with another project or chore. Trying to make the decisions mentioned above without set guidelines, gives me a much greater appreciation for the commandments and prophets counsel.

Lesson Number Three:
It never stops. There is always something in the inbox. No matter how much you get done one day, there will still be more that can be done tomorrow. And true though that may be, it is also not worth stressing about. It will always be there and will keep coming. Yes, try to do all that you can, but don't over-do it. You and your family will be happier if you are willing to relax. Do what you can, but don't be so zealous about doing it all, that you create an atmosphere of anxious stress and tension. There are of course things that must be done today, and I am in no way encouraging procrastination, there is a balcance. Just remember that it will be there tomorrow. There will always be something. Don't worry over what needs to be done to a point where you are not enjoying life and time with your family. You will never get everything done, and it is OKAY. If you don't expect things to be perfect and get everything done now, but keep working at it, you will usually surprise yourself with how much you do get done.

Lessson Number Four:
Even when a child is throwing a tantrum, don't yell. They will get over it much quicker if you don't play into their hands and don't react.

Lesson Number Five:
Schedules are helpful. Even more helpful is family prayer and scripture study.

These are just a few of the things I learned or more fully recognized during these past few weeks. I know that there is much more for me to learn and make progress in, but once again, there always is. So long as I keep going, I will get things done and probably surprise myself with it. As much as I did enjoy my time as mom and the things I have learned, I am grateful that it is not permanent yet and I do not have to start with two teenagers and one pre-teen!