Perfection: Progress Process

These past few months, I have been working on understanding where I am in life, and in many ways, reconciling myself to it.  I have always been quite the perfectionist, and I am talking intense perfectionism here.  From an early age, I have loved to be in control and have these organized and done just right.  I would teach my brother Joseph what I learned in school and make him do things the right way.  Family Home Evening was very similar, with me in charge and telling my parents and brother how things were.  If you have ever seen Land Before Time, I was Cera.  Exactly.  I knew everything and was always right.  Perfection was my goal, and everyone should know that I attained it.  I knew that I was not perfect, I didn't like it, but could usually accept it.  However, it was a completely different story if someone else knew I wasn't perfect.  Somewhere, deep inside of me, was a deeply rooted belief that although wrong, still affected much of what I did and how.  I believed that if others knew I was not perfect, they would not love and accept me because I would not be good enough.

Thus, although a necessity, moving home due to my health, was very difficult for me.  It seemed to magnify all of my imperfections and in a way that I could not hide from others.  I have learned many lessons as a result of my struggles with health.  One that has simplified my life in many respects, is that I am not perfect right now and it is okay.  I have learned to be grateful for my imperfections because without them, I would not be able to use the Atonement properly.  It is a direct result of my weaknesses, that I am able to fall on my knees to be lifted up through the greatest gift we, as mankind, have ever received.

As I have struggled and pondered with the concept of perfection, I have had a few thoughts I would like to share.  The basis of them, is that perfection is not a static state.  It is not something we achieve and then are done with.  It is a progress.  It must be.  We are told in the scriptures "Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect." (Matt 5:48).  In the hymn, If You Could Hie to Kolob, we are taught that "Improvement and progression have one eternal round."  So first, we learn that God is perfect.  Also, that we must learn to become perfect like He is.  Then, we are taught that progression never ends.  It continues on and on for all of eternity.  That, to me, suggests that although God is perfect, he must continue to progress to retain that status.  Therefore, it is not a level I must reach, but a state of being.  If that is true, then although I may never reach a point where I make no mistakes and commit no sins in this life, I can continue to progress.  I can come to know and understand what it means to be in a state of continuous progression which will be continued until I have no more imperfections, sins, or weaknesses, and for the rest of eternity. The Prophet Joseph Smith said this, "When you climb up a ladder, you must begin at the bottom, and ascend step by step, until you arrive at the top; and so it is with the principles of the gospel - you must begin with the first, and go on until you learn all the principles of exaltation.  But it will be a great while after you have passed through the veil before you will have learned them.  It is not all to be comprehended in this world; it will be a great work to learn our salvation and exaltation even beyond the grave." (HC 6:306-7).  

I will not achieve perfection in this life, so I can stop living that charade.  It is a wonderful gift that I have weaknesses and sins, that I may access the saving power of the Atonement.  Through that process, my Heavenly Father is able to show me just how much He truly does love me.  It is also the process through which I am made the most beautiful version of myself possible.  And although I may never reach perfection in this life, I can attain the state of being that leads to it, a state of continual improvement and progression.

Catch-up

It has been quite awhile since I have written a new post. The main reason is that I was playing mom to my younger brother and sisters for the past two or so weeks. And dad. And boss. And still being big sister and trying to get my own things done. Let me tell you, it was quite the experience. I am sure I made many mistakes and there is a long list of things that I didn't get done. However, I have learned a few lessons. Some of them may or may not apply to you in your life, but I would like to share some of them anyway.

Lesson Number One:
When my parents left, I knew that they were entrusting the care of their children in my hands. They trusted me enough to let me watch over the welfare of something so beloved. What an amazing responsibility. I have no children of my own as of yet, but in taking care of my parents children completely while they were in another country, I felt a small part of the love and trust Heavenly Father must feel for us. He is willing and desires to entrust us with the care and upbringing of his children. He knows that we will make mistakes, as my parents did, however, He also knows how capable we are. There was also a large increase in my love and concern for my siblings when my parents left. I could feel more of my parents love for us, especially for them, than I ever had before. Imagine how much larger and whole that love is which Heavenly Father has for each us. As hard and stressful as being a parent can be at times, I cannot think of many things which are such a beautiful responsibility and blessing. How amazing it is to me that we are loved and trusted enough to take care of God's children. (I also believe this applies to missionary work as well).

Lesson Number Two:
As one of my brothers or sisters would ask permission to do something, or as I needed help with something and was trying to decide who best to ask, I realized how hard that can be at times. Each circumstance is different. To answer the question regarding plans and permission, you are trying to make a decision based upon what has happened in the past, what is current, and what will happen. What will be best for this child at this time? It can be hard to decipher all of the information and use it to help you make that best decision. When they do something wrong, you also have to decide how serious of an infraction it was for them, and what, if any punishment should be given. Wow, talk about hard. It is even more amazing to me than ever before that God is a merciful and just judge. He is able to read all the facts, to know our hearts, and make not only just a fair judgment, but also merciful. For me, it will be easier to be a parent and make some of those permission and punishment calls if there are some straight rules. That although each circumstance is different, there are still rules that every one understands must be followed, or the specific consequence will follow. For example, there is no TV or friends until after your homework is done and your room is clean. In regards to what each child is expected to do around the house, perhaps something like this might work. Each week, every one has a specific chore that they must do. In addition, each night, they take ten minutes before bed to sweep through the house and put anything or theirs that is out, away. Then on Saturday, there is a known amount of time that after the weekly chores are done, they must help with another project or chore. Trying to make the decisions mentioned above without set guidelines, gives me a much greater appreciation for the commandments and prophets counsel.

Lesson Number Three:
It never stops. There is always something in the inbox. No matter how much you get done one day, there will still be more that can be done tomorrow. And true though that may be, it is also not worth stressing about. It will always be there and will keep coming. Yes, try to do all that you can, but don't over-do it. You and your family will be happier if you are willing to relax. Do what you can, but don't be so zealous about doing it all, that you create an atmosphere of anxious stress and tension. There are of course things that must be done today, and I am in no way encouraging procrastination, there is a balcance. Just remember that it will be there tomorrow. There will always be something. Don't worry over what needs to be done to a point where you are not enjoying life and time with your family. You will never get everything done, and it is OKAY. If you don't expect things to be perfect and get everything done now, but keep working at it, you will usually surprise yourself with how much you do get done.

Lessson Number Four:
Even when a child is throwing a tantrum, don't yell. They will get over it much quicker if you don't play into their hands and don't react.

Lesson Number Five:
Schedules are helpful. Even more helpful is family prayer and scripture study.

These are just a few of the things I learned or more fully recognized during these past few weeks. I know that there is much more for me to learn and make progress in, but once again, there always is. So long as I keep going, I will get things done and probably surprise myself with it. As much as I did enjoy my time as mom and the things I have learned, I am grateful that it is not permanent yet and I do not have to start with two teenagers and one pre-teen!

Amateur

I am standing on a tight rope not facing either direction.  Just standing.  Waiting.  Balancing.  

Which way do I go?  Which way should I turn?  

I look both ways, neither seems so different.  Both appear the same.  Dark and foreign.  

All the lights are out.  I cannot see.  How do I get out?  Which way to turn?  Will I notice signs of it being the right or wrong way?  

Perhaps the best way is down.  That way I would at least know which direction I was going.  

Down.  

And when I had reached the end.  

Down.  

There must be a bottom somewhere.  Down cannot last forever.  But who knows how far it is.  

Darkness seems to be everywhere.  

How long is Down?  Will I die when it ends, broken by the hard cold end to the long journey?  

Perhaps I should choose another way besides Down.  

But wait!  A net.  What if there is a net there to catch me on my way?  Only professionals don't use a net.  Surely I am not a professional.  Am I?  

How can I know?  Only by choosing Down.

I lift a foot and take a step into the darkness.  I begin my journey Down.

Down, Down, Down.

I begin to wonder how long this journey Down will last.  Still I travel.

Down, Down, Down.

Surely I could not have been that high-up to still be going Down.  Yet, Down, Down, Down I continue.

Panic begins to race through me.  If there is no net, I must have been a professional.  The bottom, what happens when I reach the bottom?  After a fall so long, I cannot hope to survive.  Doomed I conclude.  Doomed to reach the end of this journey Down and die.

Suddenly, I realize I don't seem to be falling any longer.

I am thinking.

I must still be alive.

How is that possible, how did my journey Down end?

Where am I now?

Caught!

I have been caught by a net.  Not a professional then, i think.

Applause.  Cheering.  Crowd.

Sure they are not for me, I look around and realize Down was the only way.

Down, Down, Down.

And then I remember, it was all a part of the show.  My first step in becoming a professional.

Down. 

Ogres and the Gospel

I have been pondering today on how at times the simple or basic things seem to be the most difficult and trying. What we often refer to as the basics, have so much more behind them than the face value. Principles like faith, trust, baptism, love. It is intriguing to me that many of the starting points of our journey here in life are so similar to ogres. Meaning that they have layers, like onions. You have to start on the outside layers first, and then continue to peel of layers till finally you reach the core of the onion. Sometimes the outside layers are easy to peel off, and other times more difficult. Either way, you don't get to the real onion until you pass those first few layers. Similarly, with some of the simple principles and doctrines of the gospel. We are taught them from Primary all the way up to when we pass on. At first, they seem simple and plain. Then, as we get to un-peeling more of the layers, we see how complex and difficult they can be. We have to struggle and just keep on keeping on at times. Then other times the peeling is easy, the way, the understanding come with out too much strain. Still other layers make us cry. I don't understand the whole process or the whole plan and recipe. However, I do know that as we continue to peel layers off of the onions of the gospel, the dish we are making will become more and more flavorful, more and more delicious. Our tastes will mature and we will long for more food that require the same intensive preparation. We will long to feast on the words of the gospel. And not only will our tastes change, but we too will become more flavorful, more truly the salt of the earth.

Announcement

I want to let everyone know that the weekend of Thanksgiving is our Stake Christmas Program.  It is going to be marvelous.  I am singing in the choir and Mary will be singing in the youth/children's choir and singing a solo during the prelude music.  There are performances on both Saturday and Sunday evening (the 29th and 30th) at 7:00 pm.  If you can, the Saturday performance would be the better one to attend as there will not be quite as much as of a crowd.  Based on last year's experiences, they are expecting to not have enough room for everyone Sunday.  Also, on Sunday, Mary and I will be singing a duet in Sacrament meeting.  It was supposed to be next week, but was moved by the music director.  So, it will be a busy weekend for us.  We would love to see you at one or both events.  And if you have non-member or less active friends, the Stake Christmas Program is an excellent missionary opportunity!

Spoonful of Sugar

As I was cleaning the bathroom today, getting the house ready since tomorrow we will all be busy with Stake Youth Conference, I was letting my mind wander. It found its way to thinking about an experiment a friend and I are doing that involves Disney characters. I had asked my mom which she thought I was, and she said Mary Poppins because I want to be practically perfect in every way. I continued to think about what Mary Poppins is, her characteristics and just the movie in general. Since I was cleaning and thinking about Mary Poppins, I suppose it was somewhat inevitable that I started singing A Spoonful of Sugar. This got the wheels in my head really turning. What does the song actually mean and how can I apply a lesson from it in my life?

Well... I started with the fact that Mary Poppins starts singing it while she and the children are cleaning, something that most children highly dislike. The level of distaste for cleaning is probably about the same level as for taking medicine. What is it in life that is medicine to me? The things that I just really don't like and will only do if forced and even then it is often grudgingly. So I thought of a few. Then I remembered the spoonful of sugar part. Taking something sweet or good, something that we can enjoy, helps the medicine go down. What spoonfuls of sugar have I found to help the medicine go down? Do I focus on the medicine or the sugar? I think often we are able to taste more of the sugar when we change our attitude about the whole situation.

One example for me are the liquid supplements I have to take daily right now. Not many people like the flavor of the children's cough syrup. The best of the three I take is right on that same level. Gross. Absolutely and completely no way around it. The other two are even worse. Just the smell of them makes you cringe away from them. I had a very hard time in the beginning with the idea of taking all three of these horrible substances everyday. It felt like torture. Then I figured out that if I drank the middle level one first, it was like a primer. Take the worst next and its not too much worse than the first so I can deal with it. Then I get to be excited about how much better the last one tastes in comparison. It still would taste awful by itself, like the dreaded cough syrup, but after the first too, its like candy.

I have come to the conclusion that many things in life are hard. They are our medicine. We don't always like them, but in the end they are going to help us. The spoonful of sugar can be multiple different things. Whether it is gratitude, prayer, faith, trust, sugar, acceptance, or a host of other things, we can find the sugar in our own lives. We don't have to focus on how awful the medicine takes. As long as we taste the spoonful of sugar, it will help the medicine go down. And how much happier we will be not letting the medicine get us down every day, but being excited about the spoonful of sugar we are getting!

Who am I?

Today in Institute, we took a tangent from the Doctrine and Covenants discussing primarily how to receive revelation and teach by the Spirit and ended up in the New Testament discussing imagery and how we can apply the stories. Brother Ray said that one of the things he has found helpful is to ask two questions. First, who is the Savior in this story? Second, who am I?

For example, when the Savior feeds the multitude five thousand on five loaves of bread and two fishes. The account in John 6:1-13 gives us some key insight into how the story took place and the different characters we may be. When the Lord asks Philip "Whence shall we buy bread that these may eat?" He replies that bread bought with a days wage of two-hundred men would not be sufficient to feed the crowd. The apostles had left their own occupations to travel with Jesus and therefore mostly lived off the generosity of others. Even had it been enough bread for the group, they would not have been able to afford it. Philips reply to the Lord could be translated as 'Lord, there is no way we can even think about feeding this whole crowd. It would be impossible with what we have.' In verse 9, Andrew tells the Lord of a boy in the crowd who has five loaves of barley bread and two small fishes, "but what are they among so many?" Jesus replies by having the disciples organize the crowd there on the hill. He then takes the bread and fish offered by the little boy, gives thanks, and feeds the disciples with it. The excess he divides between twelve baskets to be passed throughout the multitude. And all were filled.
Now for our two questions. Who is the Savior in this story? That one is easy. The next may be more difficult. Who am I? Am I a disciple who tells the Lord there is no way to feed all of these people, it cannot be done. What is so little worth among so many? Do I doubt that the Savior can provide? That he can not only fill me but everyone else as well? Perhaps I am the crowd. Am I sitting and waiting for the Lord to fill me? Do I trust him to provide for me? Am I just apathetically sitting here waiting for the food to be given to me? And if its not, then oh well, I will just leave and take care of myself. Do I know what I am waiting for? Or, am I the little boy? Not only do I come prepared, but I am willing and eager to give the Lord my meager amount. I know that he will not only accept what I have to give, but he will make it enough. Enough so that not only will I be fed, but those around me do not have to suffer for my shortcomings. I think that too often I am the doubting disciples, and note that it was his faithful followers, his disciples, who did not believe he could feed the multitude, or the waiting crowd, trying to be faithful and to receive the gifts and knowledge but not always knowing what to expect or being proactive in ensuring that I do indeed receive them.

Lets try it with another story. The Prodigal Son. It is one we know well. First let us note in Luke 15:12, when the youngest son asks his father for his inheritance, the Father divides his living unto them. Both sons receive their living at this time. The youngest son as we know goes out into the world and squanders his portion. A famine falls upon the land and the son goes hungry. He remembers how the servants of his fathers household had "bread enough to spare, and I perish with hunger". He decides upon going to his father with the full knowledge that he is no longer worthy to be called son, but will ask to be a hired servant. Verse 20 says "And he arose, and came to his father. But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck and kissed him." The son admits his sins against heaven to his father and confesses his unworthiness to be called son. The fathers reply to this is to call his servants to bring the best robe and put it upon his son, and a ring, and shoes. They are further instructed to make a feast of the best kind. The elder brother hears the merry-making on his way in from the field and inquires of the reason. After the servant explains to him the joy of his father in receiving the younger son, the he is angry and "would not go in. Therefore, came his father out, and intreated him. And he answering said to his father, 'Lo, these many years do I serve thee, neither transgressed I at any time thy commandment: and yet thou never gavest me a kid, that I might make merry with my friends: But as soon as this thy son was come, which hath devoured thy living with harlots, thou hast killed for him the fatted calf."
Before we finish the story as recorded in the scriptures, lets ask the first question. Who is the Savior? I propose, and I am sure you will all agree, that the Savior is the father. If that is so, the eldest son is not the Savior. Therefore, he is not perfect. Then it also follows that his statement made to his father that "neither transgressed I at any time thy commandment" is false. However, as he said it, he believed it to be true. Let us then ask why the Savior told this story in the first place. He was being criticized by the Pharisees and scribes for eating with sinners. What group of people in that time professed to be perfect, to keep the law completely and never transgress it? Oh yes, the Pharisees. But what do we know about the Pharisees that they did not accept about themselves? Although they professed to keep all the law and know all the doctrine, to be perfect servants unto the Lord, they did not truly do so nor did they receive their Savior when he came unto them. Given these circumstances, might it make sense then that the eldest brother is a type from the Pharisees. Now, don't start feeling like you have nothing to worry about then, we have no Pharisees in our day. How often have you gone to church and not really pondered on the Sacrament? How often do your prayers become a bit trite and ritualistic? Perhaps we may not flaunt our law abidingness as the Pharisees did, but that does not set us free and clear. When the father tells his eldest son at the end of the story that "Son, thou are ever with me, and all that I have is thine", footnote b references Doctrine and Covenants 84:38. This verse reads "And he that receiveth my Father receiveth my Father's kingdom; therefore all that my Father hath shall be given unto him." Preceding that verse, the Lord says "For he that receiveth my servants receiveth me" and "he that receiveth me receiveth my father". As we have been commanded in Matthew 25:40 that "Inasmuch as ye have done it unto the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me", by not receiving his lost brother who had come home with joy, the eldest had not truly received the Lord. Therefore, although his father tells him "all that I have is thine," the son has not and cannot receive it until he will receive his brother, for in doing that, he will receive his Savior and be welcomed home.
Let us discuss the youngest son for a moment. He asked for his inheritance from his father, then "took his journey into a far country, and there he wasted his substance with riotous living." He sinned. But then he repents. He recognizes his sin, his unworthiness to be called a son by his father. He no longer deserves to be a son, to be family. Never the less, he deems it worthwhile to return to his father, to be but a servant if that is all he can now be. By doing so, he discovers the fathers love and grace for him. He has not even returned to his fathers house, he is "a great way off" when his father runs out to greet him with compassion and welcoming hugs and kisses. Not only was the youngest son welcomed back by his father, but he was received as great guest with the best of feasts and welcoming gifts. "For this was my son dead, and is alive again". A footnote from verse 21, when the son is confessing his sins to his father, directs you to the Topical Guide under Contrite Heart; Worthiness. After receiveing his inheritance and squandering it away, the son was no longer worthy. However, when he returned home humbled, with a contrite heart, recognizing his own lowness, he was willing to recieve whatever his father had for him, even servitude. Similarly, after we received our inheritance from the Lord in the pre-mortal life, left to a far country to waste it away (which occurs with our first sin), we too are no longer worthy to be called a son or daughter in our fathers house. It is only by becoming humbled, and on our journey back to him to admit our unworthiness, that he can greet us in the road and escort us back to his home with for the greatest of feasts. Our heart must be contrite. And we do not even have to make it all the way back to the house on our own, we will be greeted a long way off with the compassion and kisses or our Savior. In contrast, the eldest son does not realize his unworthiness, his sins. He does not rejoice in a brothers return home because he is not truly home himself. Now we may ask, who am I?

While pondering these and other stories, I have come to wonder what else I have been missing. And also what connections between these and other stories have I not caught because of my lack of understanding and effort? I usually think of myself as the prodigal son, but am I truly? Who am I in the five thousand? The little boy? May I also suggest another possible lesson and application from both of these stories? We are taught by the Savior of our need to become as the little children. The little boy with the loaves and fishes offered them willingly and freely, and I would suppose with complete trust that the Lord would accept them and no thought that perhaps it was not enough. The youngest son recognizes that he has done something bad, yet he still went to his father to confess and ask for whatever his father would still offer him. It has been my experience that as I tell my parents, or the kids I'm babysitting tell me of something they have done wrong that I may or may not have learned of later, it is much easier to be lenient and forgive them, than when they try to hide it from me. My suggestion then is this, that we learn from these two boys to trust that whatever we have to give, no matter how small it may seem in comparison to what is required or what someone else can give, that it will be enough, and that we should not be afraid to approach our father in sin to confess and ask how he can help us. In doing so, we will be fed and filled, we will feast and be welcomed home with merriment.

Any comments and thoughts you have on what I have written above, I would love to hear. Please share them. Also, I don't pre-write and then edit these posts, so please forgive and excuse my mistakes, and I hope it all comes out being readable sense. I hope that you and I can consider on a more frequent basis who we are in the teachings of the Savior and where are relationship is with him. And please, please, please, I really would like to hear what you think. Don't be afraid.